remnants of me

December has rolled in like a lion, just over three days of continuous snowfall with an accumulation of over 41 inches of snow. I feel like I'm reliving the film, Ground Hog's Day. It wouldn't be so bad if the city plows didn't move the detritus of people's once parked cars at the end of my freshly shoveled driveway. The snow pack is wet and thick, heavy from friction, like concrete. My body aches in specific areas from shoveling and negotiating the uncleared walkways of the neighborhood with my dog pulling at me to move faster. I slip and slide with every footfall and cannot seem to find any rhythm to my gait in this incredibly annoying inconvenience. I used to love the snow. The cold air that feels like it's burning my lungs. Snowflakes melting on my face, those that bless my eyelids with their touch and the ones I unintentionally inhale while walking. It's a serene landscape in an otherwise irksome college neighborhood, with freshman and other class men/women imposing themselves on my tired disturbed mind. Their obnoxious self-involved actions direct my mind to spaces unreached, places I don't want to dwell, angry and violent thoughts exist there, straight-jacketed so as not to harm anyone. As a youth, my walls used to bare the brunt of that part of me, now controlled, but seething just beneath the surface on the verge of erupting into a frenzied attack against my sanity. Syracuse has found a way to resurrect those remnants of me, which I thought I had laid to rest a long time ago.

Last November Blog -- the Future.

Well, November is nearly over and I look forward to what December will bring. I am obviously hoping for good things, but I'll take everything in stride. I have applied (my third time in almost as many years) for one position with my alma mater (University of Colorado, Boulder), which is my dream job. I just had the greatest experience with the faculty and the majority of people I met there, I cannot recall a downside to my time spent there. I'm hoping it's not a long shot for me to teach there, I realize my artist exhibition record doesn't include prestigious film festivals. Nor does it include a teaching record that involves production, but I was the GA that manned the film cage for my 3 years at Syracuse University, therefore I am intimately familiar with all the production equipment both analog and digital. I know I would make a great assistant professor/cinema artist because I possess the passion and determination to be one at this particular institution. I also believe that I owe this specific community because of how well I was treated and giving back in kind through my knowledge, experience and connections is what I bring to the table. There is nothing left for me in Syracuse. My job is great, though it hasn't been made into a full-time (with benefits) position, that was one point I would take into consideration in staying. It's a great job where I work with wonderful people, no bad experiences whatsoever. I think I have already distanced myself from Syracuse, not because it's necessarily a bad area, more so for the lack of opportunities that exist for me here. I will miss my family and friends and colleagues, but those relationships aren't what ties a person to any particular place. Happiness has eluded me here, friends that regard themselves as friends have little if anything to do with me, and others are under some odd pretense that they are my "friends." My return to the Southwest has lit a fire in me, awakening ideas, and excitement that have long since left me abandoned and alone in Syracuse. I am heading back to the southwest, where is the only question that remains unanswered, Santa Fe would be an ideal place for my uneasy spirit right now as would Boulder. My friends there are actually my friends and not some concept of friendship that exists without contact. My sister and niece, the two most important aspects of my life that aren't physically with me live there, the one most important aspect is man's best friend, my boy Milo. UC-Boulder, I hope you don't do yourself a disservice and ignore my third attempt at coming home to teach simply because my exhibition record is somewhat anemic from "prestigious" film festivals. Consider the big picture.

Round Up @ the Museum of Contemporary Native Art & Santa Fe

So, Saturday came and went, quickly. My artist talk went well, though nervous and worried, it went well. Two new pieces were added to the exhibition, which were initially lost to the hard drive crash, but they were resurrected from memory, maybe not 100% of what they once were, but none-the-less they were resurrected! Seven of my friends from the Boulder community attended, they all now live in the Albuquerque/Santa Fe area, except one who had flown in for another event, but Nicole made it in time to catch the tail end of the talk and view my work in the gallery. My young friend (cousin) Sylv works in Santa Fe and I had him as my guest at the hotel since he's been couch surfin' in Albuquerque, somewhat without a home, so we hung out and caught up, which was nice to have company. The food was great, you can never beat authentic southwest cuisine and New Mexican green chili, which I am already missing the morning I left it began.

The exhibition looks great and is running with four other exhibitions that are wonderful. The museum is beautiful, right there on Cathedral Place.

Next up another talk about a PBS series from the 70's at ArtRage this Friday evening.

Round Up - Museum of Contemporary Native Arts, Santa Fe, NM

Tonto Revisited @ ArtRage Gallery, Syracuse, NY

Come check out the Tonto Revisited exhibit, which will coincide with a few events that I am involved with. My own exhibit Round Up (curators: Jenny Western & Ryan Rice), all single channel videos, will be screening one night only, November 21st, 4pm-6pm with an artist talk. For more event information check the ArtRage Gallery Events Schedule.

2010 Finger Lakes Film Festival

This is my second year, 2008 was my first, as an accepted entry into the Finger Lakes Film Festival. In 2008, I was unable to attend, although I had planned on it, due to work related and personal (vehicle) issues. This year, I will be in attendance on the second evening of screenings and for the reception on November 6th at the Cracker Factory. I look forward to being in attendance and meeting the individuals involved with the festival as well as the people there to enjoy the festival. I also look forward to the submissions that will be screened.

Finger Lakes Film Festival website

Departing Syracuse

This past weekend I came to the conclusion that I will no longer live in Syracuse after July 31st, 2011. That's the end of my current lease. Here's my reasoning. My Alma Mater, the University of Colorado, Boulder is again advertising a job position for cinema artist. I have applied twice for this position since 2007. I have been told that my screening or exhibition record doesn't meet their criteria, which I can understand. I don't have a great amount of festival experience within the larger, more prestigious festivals. Although, over the past two years my work has begun to grab attention of the gallery/exhibition realm and I've been concentrating on that.

Now, I love Boulder and the University even though I live in NY, I remain a part of the Native community in the Boulder/Denver area. If I think about where I've lived in the past, I have never been happier than to have lived in Boulder. I have a large circle of friends in Boulder and I couldn't ask for greater friends than them. Syracuse has been good to me, but not in the manner that Boulder or Colorado have been. My circle of friends have diminished greatly in NY and the remainder of my friends are spread out over a few cities/towns.

I figure that applying once again for this position at CU cannot hurt me. My ideal job is to teach at the university level and my ideal place to live is in Boulder and I am connected to Boulder by roots that have never died since I left.

NY will always be my home locale, but since my family here is busy living their lives I have to look for a place where I will be happy and successful and able to have a healthy, normal social life, that doesn't depend on when my brothers or friends have time for me, because that time has become almost non-existent. I love my brothers and friends here, but I need to take a chance regardless of having a job and move back to Boulder where my happiness existed not only with my friends but with the overall environment.

My past dreams were to attend CU-Boulder and work for the Native American Rights Fund, those dreams came true, or rather I made them happen. I also dreamed of attending the MFA Film program on a full ride at Syracuse University and that also happened. A person can only follow their heart, regardless of what their mind might say to them and I will continue following my heart and dreams. Since moving back to NY I have become quite comfortable and that's often dangerous since I no longer take that many chances in my life, which has made me very passive and I need to be active again . . . I no longer feel alive. I feel like I'm just existing and just existing isn't acceptable.

I will definitely miss everyone I currently work with and for, my current job is great. It's equivalent to the Native American Rights Fund as far as the individuals that I work with, great people. Unfortunately, my job is considered contracted and not a full position within the University or within my organization. My freelance employers are wonderful too, and they will be greatly missed, but I can foresee completing my work for them within the next few months.

So, Colorado, here I come . . . rather I will be, next year!